Yeah, I mighta, coulda, shoulda been more gracious and shy retiring all foot shuffling humble- gee shucks...nah, it’s all about the team. I just want to get to the series... winning this award is nice but it really should have been broken into little pieces and shared out among all living creatures right down to the insect kingdom, Hell, the mineral kingdom and beyond. I shoulda thought out those last two blog entries a little better.
And I shoulda, probably, maybe, mighta, oughta have not baited the wounded furry little egos sheltered in the out of shape tit sacks of wilting male menopausal violent hatred of everything that ever moved passed it...maybe, but I didn’t. No, I used all the little buzzwords and allusions and tasty (though certainly true) stories that I knew would burn in the bowels of the acid stomach failure brigade who got left out in the rain of winos’ piss that ran down the gutters of the virtual Houston Street of their literal abode of present cachet and props not coming now or later maybe- ever...even. Count on it.
It’s hard at this point of a lifetime of struggle not to tweak the noses of those who weren’t even asked to stand in the wings and had to pay to get into the show that they hated like the very poison eating at their marrow but just HAD TO see. It’s hard not to when you remember that these are the very over sized clown Clendenin’s who punched and pushed you in grade school but who now can’t even get around the mall without a shopping cart to put their gut into or else they’ll fall down. It’s hard when you know they’re dying to get their feet into Samuel Beckett’s shoes, who himself felt compelled to wear Joyce’s shoes even though they were a size too small and when you hold Joyce in such contempt yourself, well, like I said, it’s hard not to tweak the noses of the asses who had the stature of the thing under the bed once but now, now they got shit. Now they got shit.
In this life you either gonna outrun the jeers or you get rabbit ears. In this life you will triumph it is certain; right up to the level of the value of the thing you seek to achieve. You will be the minted currency of the thing of value all of your efforts went to make credible, if...credible it be.
So, though it may not be gracious, it may certainly be forgivable to repay the injury, to ‘pay it back’ as it were to let the lesson hope to take upon the brutal and horn hard hearts of the now impotent and, by degrees, failing hands and eyes of the unhorsed overseer with his whip handle shoved up his fat ass.
Such a thing is understandable but like any long grown need, it can become a bad habit. It can be as bad as the thing reacted against. So give a tweak, or two and then walk away...just walk away.
We walk in darkness by them as sleep here. In waiting dreams they line up to kill and die upon command. There is no hypocrisy too foul to celebrate. There is nothing so trivial that it is not priced beyond reason. There is no stupidity that cannot be made elaborate and mysterious by means of adding words to the effect of greater and greater complexity. Some new and ruinous Science can yet emerge out of this stew of plastic and paper and rainbow mucus of petroleum base mirrored in sand and body ubiquitous.
Yes, things were better under Saddam. Malnutrition among Iraq children is now double what it was. There’s no rebuilding, no jobs, the money unspent, the interest skimmed, the widening gyre now looks like Americas stretch-marked ass on the autopsy-scope. Open Sesame.
I had a notion last year before I turned into whatever I am this year that I would like a community of kindred spirits in some Neverland outside the storms reach. I thought about tofu factories and many an enterprise I knew to be both economically viable and a good thing to do but now? Huh? I’m none too sure about what I wanted. I’m none too sure I need to buy myself a job. How likely is it that all the altruism and love in any heart can ever overcome the uncertainty and need for pain that multiplies in every moment in the general state of the day?
Better to just make it all what you want it to be and let serendipitous accident provide the color and potentials for regret.
I used to puzzle over what Jesus said on the cross, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.” I get it now. People really don’t know. You assume they do. You figure they have to. The law is based on the idea that we all know. The law says that ignorance is no excuse. But really, they don’t know. They don’t know. If they did, they wouldn’t. That’s crystal. Many who see beggars on the street, the homeless and otherwise distressed, they say to themselves that this is ‘their choice’. Would anyone REALLY choose to be that way? We give people far too much credit and way too much blame.
This much I know, not all the world, not the collective opposition massed, not all the ignorance, greed, obstacles or confusion made or yet to come is going to stop me from my appointed round. It was that I used to give power to the things outside of me when all I had to do was close a door inside... maybe open a door. Whatever the aggregate appearance- real and imagined- of violence, malevolence and vicious indifference this world may add up to is no business of mine. There is no G.W.Bush, there is no nothing but fig trees and olive trees and blue streaming skies, outside my door and inside my head. Down the way over the dirt roads comes the sea sooner or later. Those hi-yellow cliffs of Earth bent and broken tumbling but frozen hard as well by the salt and whatever has lent it’s portion to the mix. Rocks and tide pools and very few people being the very best part of it. I will take what I have here and I will work with it and by imagination improve upon it, whether that indeed does lead me to the low coast of France or elsewhere unknown for now... I will work with it as if it were it until it becomes it somewhere although it has to be it right now and...that will do, for the present that will do. However it can be accomplished and if it be your desire not to complicate or work against the paradise of your own true will then- Go you therefore and do likewise.
'Everlasting Love' is track no. 2 of 10 on Visible's 2006 album 'Songwriter'
Lyrics (pops up)