Dog Poet Transmitting.......
Stranger and stranger... mysteries swirl and twist in the invisible wind like dust dervishes. Images comes and go but nothing is clear. It is too quick to register or identify the images because of the spinning and like dust dervishes, their path is unpredictable. We live in the middle of their coming and going. For some it is just a prolonged uncertainty with undercurrents of incipient fear. They don't know much about the wind and nothing about what moves it and the images are swirling in the back of their minds, beyond the reach of the conscious self. In between these images and the conscious self are the programmed images that have been placed there and which they cannot defend themselves against because they are not informed about the value of an empty mind. They are unaware that the world is a lie and unwilling to consider it because it could well render everything they do and everything they want as something unreal... or a lie. It could render what they believed in to be as unreal as the world they live in. There aren't many people who can handle the truth and that is why the world is a lie. The lies make the passage between birth and death seem more comfortable, as if... even though they know they were born, they don't believe that they will die. They see people dying all around them and do not believe that they will die. So they face their lives with closed eyes and their value systems are adjusted accordingly.
I find it increasingly difficult to have something to say. I see what has been, based on my perspective, which is really only a point of view. Perhaps it only happened that way from that perspective. I see what's coming in bursts of vision that happen between the movements of the dervishes. It is like looking into The Mirror of Galadriel. I see things that are going to happen, things that won't happen and things that might happen and I don't know which is which.
It is uncanny how my own life seems to mirror the conditions in the world. I think, more than anything, I would welcome a stable environment where I could sink into my work and have no concern for being able to afford it and no concern for disruptive individuals drone hovering in the area. For some reason this hasn't been in the cards most of the time and I know there's a lesson there but I don't know what it is because it could be any number of things.
I keep running into the oddest situations. My mother passed about 6 weeks ago at the age of almost 96. There were a number of insurance policies; life insurance policies. One of them, I know was for 250,000 dollars. I suddenly became hopeful that my share of this would put me in a position to have that stable environment where I could sink into my work, etc. My brother is the executor of one of these polices and another brother is the executor of 3 others. My one brother had been in Ghana for the last month and just came back and he had told me that the insurance company, Stonebridge Life in Plano, Texas, only wants to pay 10,000 dollars total. How can that be? One of the polices is for accidental death so that isn't negotiable but the others are life insurance polices. There shouldn't be any question about them. I am mystified at the way life so consistently throws me curve balls. I hadn't spent my life previously thinking about these life insurance policies. I was barely aware of them, probably because the curve ball syndrome has been so much a factor of my existence and also because those aren't the sort of things I dwell on anyway, making money off of the death of another.
It is perplexing. For someone who preaches so much about faith, certitude and determination, I have certainly become an example of something in relation to them and I'm not sure what that is either (grin). Meanwhile, there has never been a time when I could have used such a windfall more and it looks like the wind came and took it. I don't know what to think. I know the ineffable will provide but things like this and all the rest of what has happened in recent years, tests my faith, certitude and determination to the limits of their possibility. I'm getting past the point where I can imagine I am going to meet an heiress or find a patron. One would expect that such a thing would have happened by now if it were in the riffling deck of cards that contain the elements of my life's destiny.
Well... let me stop myself here before I get all subjective and maybe even come off as morose or worse, I'm not feeling that way. I'll admit to being confused, because... no matter who you might be, you like things to be somewhat predictable but I am getting that 'born under a bad sign' feeling. It doesn't seem to matter how well I behave. If I could only understand what it is that I am doing or not doing, or if this is some kind of payback... or just a series of teaching moments, it would help a great deal. The thing is that all my life I have been engaged in the creative process and the majority of all my efforts have been about the ineffable. There were periods of satire and comedy because that is all I am left with when covering the world but anything else was always about my love affair with the ineffable. In earlier times it was a supernatural love affair with the goddess and that has formed and reformed otherwise as I have aged and changed in the sequences.
This is the part that perplexes me. Having loved the ineffable as much as I have and as long as I have it makes me wonder greatly at where I find myself. I think of those ashrams and fellowships that I could not integrate into. I think of all the places in this wide world where I have lived. Once Guru Bawa said to me. “You are in the jungle and you are out of petrol.” He said something about tigers but I can't remember that part. I imagine it had to do with danger and I now find myself in the jungle and out of petrol (grin). Oh right... he told me I must get some petrol. Many things tell me that this is not where I am supposed to be. I mostly know this from the invisible side of things... sensations and impressions. I am certain not to be in the particular place I am in because my stay here is up at the end of December. I'm going somewhere but I don't know where that is yet.
Another strange thing, an old acquaintance offered me a cottage at his property in California for a very reasonable fee and it is someone I have known for decades. We've seen each other at odd moments here and there. We've had moments of friction due to personality disparities but on the whole we have gotten along. It was late in the night when he wrote me and he also left a comment at one of the blogs, probably this one and he said that he would write me a longer email the next day and wanted to speak with me on Skype so I sent him my Skype ID for him to make a request to go on my list of callers. He never did this. He never sent the followup email and I haven't heard from him again, even though I wrote him about not hearing from him... there was no reply. Here is yet another mystery that makes no sense and I have had so many of these that I can't make head or tails of it.
I have to interject here and state emphatically that I am not in a negative state about all of this. I am not depressed or anxious. I feel fundamentally sound and in good spirits, despite all of these inexplicable setbacks and strange forces out of the invisible. Even more unusual, or maybe it isn't, is the appearance of an agent of the ineffable telling me that everything is fine and that all will be well. I was told more than that but... perhaps some other time. I have to laugh and all I can think is that what I am being shown is to rely on nothing outside of me and that all of this is designed to remove every idea of false hope and false support until I have nowhere to turn except for the good graces of my author and the promise of our reunion. No other possibility makes any sense whatsoever; not that it is supposed to make sense but given my life's work and the focus of my attention in the greater sense, it seems likely that this is something the ineffable would do to bring me into a stronger functioning awareness of utter reliance on the divine.
I have only given a few examples of things happening and going back in time there have been yet more. I have to admit that I am pretty impressed at my resilience and endurance... heh heh. I feel like a professional of some sort. I don't know what sort ...but a professional none the less. Unlike so many people who awaken to one day running on the same track as the day before and headed into a future on the same track... there is no telling what might happen in my day and the odds say that a change is going to come and however difficult it may have been arriving there, that is just how smooth it is going to be in the next reel. I took the time to write about this today because I know that there are others out there in similar circumstances, maybe not as extensive and intense and maybe worse. Each of us handles these things in our own way and I have sought to illustrate how I am handling it.
I look back on my life and I can see numerous examples of 'abandon hope all ye who enter here' and somehow I came out the other side. There were times far more dark than these and yet they are only memories now. I am reminded at odd times of the series of Thomas Cole paintings called “The Voyage of Life” I am reminded of struggles so much greater than my own. I am reminded of other lives in other countries that qualify as miserable. I am reminded of people in hospitals and hospices and prisons whose state of being is akin to a nightmare. I am reminded of people in the streets who suffer from all manner of maladies and have nowhere to go. I could go on in this theme but I think you get the idea. I don't understand the things happening to me but I don't have to. All I have to understand is that the ineffable is real and however weird it may be in expression, loves and cares for me and all will be well.